When my kids were in preschool, my oldest was given some homework, flashcards to prepare him to begin school the next year. Upon a closer look, I saw that it was a lesson in how to determine who doesn’t belong. A lesson, I wanted to unteach them.
In the 1990s my colleagues and I used to call ourselves “diversity educators,” but the term to capture our work has evolved through the years. Eventually the goal of “diversity” with a concern for representation, felt like too low of a bar. Social spaces that were stratified, segregated, or that valued assimilation or tokenization would all technically be “diverse.” Something was missing.
“DEI educator” is the preferred term now that more fully incorporates diversity, equity, and inclusion. A vision of “inclusion” brings to mind people of diverse social identities (race/ethnicity, gender identities, sexual orientations, religions, abilities, and so on) all working and living side by side with equal levels of contribution and value to their shared community. “Equity” is the quantitative perspective of inclusion, with a goal of measurably equivalent outcomes. Imagine what social changes would have to occur for social demographics to not statistically predict any of these outcomes: imprisonment, income, educational attainment, and killed by police. All of those outcomes are currently not equitable. In Ibram Kendi’s How to Be An Antiracist, he reminds us that social inequities along these lines are all results of racist policies, and to believe that they are a result of a group’s inferiority is a racist idea.
“Belonging” is the new term on the DEI block. Headlines place its emergence in 2019 to 2020. The co
ncept of belonging in DEI work originally comes from special education scholars, like Eric Carter of Vanderbilt, who know that inclusion cannot be achieved until belonging matters. Carter says
“Where we once pursued integration, we now talk about promoting inclusion. But my sense is that both terms fall short of what really matters most. People want to be more than merely integrated or included. They want to experience true belonging. But belonging is a hard concept to define. We quickly feel its absence, but describing it’s presence can be much more challenging.”
Belonging is the qualitative perspective on inclusion. So, Carter’s research focused on defining the quality of belonging. He identified 10 themes related to the feeling of belonging. We feel that we belong when we feel: loved, present, invited, welcomed, known, accepted, supported, cared for, befriended, and needed.
Brene Brown reminds us that belonging is not the same as fitting in, its rather the opposite. She says
“’Fitting in’ is becoming who you think you need to be in order to be accepted. ‘Belonging’ is being your authentic self and knowing that no matter what happens, you belong to you. … Belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to BE who we are.”
Think for a moment of a time and place where you felt you belonged. Chances are this is a difficult image for many of us to conjure regardless of our social identities. Daniel Buford and colleagues at the People’s Institute for Survival and Beyond, identified perfectionism as a cultural value that permeates many White-dominant cultures, including the USA. The message of “imperfection does not belong here” is often conveyed in our home, work, and community lives. In these spaces when the imperfections of our humanity are revealed, messages of our belonging disappear. And so we strive. Striving for perfection leaves us all feeling short, left out, and lacking belonging. Creating belonging organizations, communities, and society will benefit us all.
Imagine now, who you extend a belonging sentiment toward? List five people in your work and community spaces who you’ve made a special effort to welcome, love, and include? In terms of social demographics, are they more like you than not? For many they are, and this is why it’s so important to include belonging in DEI work. We cannot be representationally diverse, in equitable ways, if we only reinforce who is already here with our belonging gestures.
There’s another reason.
When I saw my kid’s preschool flash cards, I instantly knew that they were being taught a false lesson that was already deep inside me – one that I was working hard to shake. The flashcards consisted of a deck of 50 cards or so, all with four photographs on them, each with the same question, “What Doesn’t Belong?” I’ve included samples here.
“What doesn’t belong?”
Of course, preschoolers should learn the skill of distinction and categorization. Of course. But that’s not what these cards were teaching. Look closer.
A foundational psychology concept posits that we all form self-images by evaluating ourselves as compared to others. This social comparison is a human process, we all do it. How else would we know anything about ourselves? I am tall (compared to others), I am musical (compared to others), I am talented (compared to others) — are all examples of self-image formation via social comparison. As you can imagine, examples go on to include our socio-cultural identities as well. I am a woman; I am White; I am American.
There are two types of social comparisons: same/different and superior/inferior. We subconsciously ask ourselves when meeting new people Am I the same or different from you? and also Am I superior or inferior to you? So, while we are asking ourselves whether we are attractive or ugly, successful or a failure, intelligent or stupid, we also decide if the differences we see are good or bad. We have a tendency to extend this judgment beyond our own worthiness, but onto others’ as well. I am better than you?
Our culture teaches us to conflate same with superior and different with inferior. Heck, preschool flashcards teach us they are the synonyms.
The flashcards said “What doesn’t belong?” when what they meant was “Which one is different?”
As if things that are different, don’t belong?
I’m certain I had flashcards and worksheets like this as a child. Too often in my life I know I have viewed difference as inferiority. For example, I try to be on time for things and have found myself negatively judging folks who are late, even when it’s due to a cultural value difference. But, my cultural value is not better; It’s just different.
Do you do this, too?
The key to extending messages of belonging to people in our organizations and community is to see our differences as just…different.
It’s time to unlearn preschool lessons.